I Cannot Breathe

Y`all when I say I could not breathe, there is nothing else to say! It was as though someone had put a bag over my head and I was suffocating. Her words hit me like a ton of bricks, my knees buckled, my eyes burned and my mind was going 90 to nothing, I HAD CANCER!!! After she said it, she was quiet, I suppose she was giving me a minute (it was going to take longer than a minute!) When I did not say anything she ask if I was still there, barely but I was there. I whispered, “yes” that is about all I had in me. I know that she was talking but could I tell you anything that she actually said, nope, not a word. I guess I blocked her out at “it came back cancer.” She finally said, “Are you available to come in Friday so we can talk?” Honestly, I did not want to go anywhere near that office or her, I wanted this to be one of the worse nightmares I had ever encountered and I would soon wake up. Of course that was not the case, I did tell her I could come in Friday, I could barely get the words out, I was crying, no I was blubbering and I had no clue what to do! We got off the phone after making the Friday morning appointment, I immediately called Mike, he could hardly understand me (still blubbering) I finally took a deep breath and said, “I have cancer” I don`t think he knew what to say, there was a long pause, finally he says, “I love you and we got this” which made me cry harder, I will never forget those words, they meant more to me than he could have imagined because I was scared, petrified, anxious, just all the things. My next call was to my sister, it would have been to my mom but my sweet Mom had passed away in 2016, my sister ask if I was coming home, yes I was but I needed a ride, there was no way I could drive. I do not think my sister knew what to say, I think it took her breath also! I called my niece who works upstairs at the same place I do, I then called my BFF from upstairs, they both came barreling down! I had gone back inside at this point, I needed to tell my boss because I needed to get the hell out of dodge. My boss was a male, however he was so understanding, he had actually lost his Mom to breast cancer a few years before. He took me in his office, got me some water, tried to calm me down, as you can imagine that was not going to happen. I finally got myself together somewhat, I went to get my purse, I knew everyone in my department was staring but I had no strength to tell anyone what I had just been told. I walked out the door, hugged my niece and BFF, my niece drove me home and my BFF followed in my car (I was worried about leaving my car at work) I was not thinking obviously! I called my BFF that was off that day, she started crying, she also felt horrible for not being there (hello, she was on vacation and who knew this was going to happen), I called my longtime BFF and she also lost it, she starting asking me questions, what stage and such, hell I had not even ask any questions! Then I started thinking what the doctor must have thought of me, not asking one single question, I could not think about that at this moment, obviously I had other things to worry with. The drive home seemed to take forever, and I did not live far. When we pulled in the driveway, my sister was waiting in the door, I was a mess, still blubbering uncontrollably, she just held out her arms and I fell in them. My mind was still racing 90 to nothing, I had cancer, what the actual fuck was I going to do??!!  I know there was a lot of BFF`s mentioned in this Blog, I have the BEST FRIENDS ever and consider them all my BFF`s..