The Wait

Since having the unexpected biopsy done on a Friday, I was a nervous wreck even thinking about the wait time for the results. I stayed as busy as I possibly could, doing all the normal things that I would do, but nothing helped. I tried to push it all away, just give myself a mental break, it did not work, nothing worked. I felt so sick, I could not eat, concentrate, absolutely nothing! All I could do was think about what I would be told when I got the phone call from the doctor. It was like a part of me down deep inside knew this was cancer, I cannot explain the feeling, it was weird but I just felt like I knew what she was going to tell me. I started doing my own research, BIG MISTAKE, I would encourage anyone going through any medical issues to STAY OFF THE INTERNET! There is nothing good that is coming from Web MD, take it from me! I tried to be upbeat around Harrison, I did not want him to think his Mom was losing it, although I felt like I seriously was. I am telling you when I say I was in a mind game, that is the best way I know to describe it, its a horrible mental game, one that I hope and pray I never have to play again. I would not wish this anguish on anyone, I mean you are basically waiting for a call regarding your fate, gee that`s just what everyone wants to do! So many questions and thoughts go through your mind, it is like the wait time is almost as bad as the day you get the results. I can remember thinking all through the weekend and the beginning of the week, if it is cancer, how bad is it? Has it spread? Will I survive? What will my husband do, what will Harrison do, how will they live without me?! What will be my treatment plan? How much will all of this cost even with having good insurance? These questions and thoughts were in no particular order, they came at random times, so weird. I had melt downs, never in front of anyone, I did not want to worry anyone else. When Monday finally arrived, I was like alright, I can go to work, that will keep me busy, I will not have time to think about anything. Yep, that was not the case, same thoughts, questions, random break downs in the bathroom, you guys I was SCARED!! Tuesday was the same kind of day, still tried to be upbeat and positive, again not the case, it just was not happening! The worry and scariness literally consumes you and there is nothing you can do about it except wait and say a few prayers along the way while you are waiting! 

When Life Gives You Lemons…Make Lemonade or Margaritas, whichever suits your fancy!